Understanding Shame Through Our Stories
Lately, I’ve noticed something coming up again and again in my therapy practice: shame. It’s one of those feelings that doesn’t announce itself loudly but sneaks in quietly, settling deep and shaping how we see ourselves and the world. What strikes me most is how often shame hides in plain sight, even in people whose lives look picture-perfect on the outside—successful careers, happy families, fulfilling relationships.
But when we step inside the therapy room, where trust and safety are carefully built, another story emerges. That’s where the messier parts of being human come to the surface—confusion, pain, anger, hopelessness. And here’s the thing: that’s not just okay; it’s necessary. Therapy is meant to give us a space to let those feelings out into the open, to hold them with care, and to begin transforming them into something more manageable. It doesn’t mean shame disappears forever, but it becomes something we can meet with patience and compassion rather than fear or avoidance.
Today, I want to talk about shame through the lens of four stories. These aren’t about any one person but are inspired by the patterns I’ve seen over time. They’re stories that might sound familiar to you, or maybe to someone you care about. Let’s take a closer look at how shame shows up in our lives and how it can shift when we face it with curiosity, effort, and self-compassion. These stories and names are not actual clients I support; they’re reflections of shared human experiences that may feel familiar.
Meet Mei: Embracing Dual Identities
Mei grew up immersed in the rich cultural traditions of her Chinese immigrant parents while navigating the expectations of American society. As a teenager, Mei felt caught in a tug-of-war. At school, her classmates would make fun of her lunch or her parents’ accents, leading her to downplay her cultural heritage. At home, she felt pressure to meet her parents’ high expectations while also honoring family traditions. Mei began to feel she didn’t belong in either world.
Fast forward to college, Mei met her husband, who loved her independence and drive. Yet, when her family voiced disapproval over their relationship, Mei felt torn. She struggled to honor both her love for her partner and the deep respect she had for her family’s values.
When Shame Takes Over: Mei distanced herself from her family and culture, feeling like she was failing everyone, including herself.
When Shame is Faced: Therapy helped Mei recognize that her bicultural identity was a source of strength, not conflict. She found ways to integrate her traditions into her life with her partner and children. While it wasn’t always easy, Mei learned to embrace both her worlds and share her heritage proudly.
Meet Alex: Thriving Beyond Expectations
Alex grew up in a Christian household where love and guidance came with unspoken rules about identity and belonging. As Alex began to explore their gender identity, they wrestled with the fear of disappointing their family and faith community. Questions like, “Who am I beyond what’s expected of me?” often filled Alex with self-doubt.
In their twenties, Alex took brave steps to come out as nonbinary and begin transitioning. They built a loving partnership with a cisgender woman, and together, they created a home full of joy and authenticity. Still, moments of shame would arise, triggered by societal judgment or invasive questions from strangers.
When Shame Takes Over: Alex avoided deep connections outside their immediate family, fearing rejection and judgment.
When Shame is Faced: Through a trans-affirming support group and therapy, Alex found community and tools to navigate challenging interactions. They’ve learned that shame doesn’t define them. On tough days, Alex leans into the love of their family and the strength of their community to keep moving forward.
Meet Gabriel: Redefining Success
Gabriel grew up in a vibrant Latino household, full of love and high expectations. While his parents worked tirelessly to provide opportunities, Gabriel struggled with undiagnosed autism and ADHD. Teachers labeled him disruptive, and family members sometimes misunderstood his behavior. Over time, Gabriel internalized these judgments, believing he was inherently flawed.
As a child, Gabriel often experienced rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD). A harsh word from a teacher or a critical comment from a peer could send Gabriel into an emotional spiral, where the perceived rejection felt deeply personal and disproportionately painful. This experience, known as rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), made even minor criticisms feel like confirmation of his worst fears about himself. He also had stimming behaviors—like tapping his fingers or bouncing his knee—that were often misunderstood and criticized as nervous habits or lack of discipline. His ADHD led to patterns of procrastination that were misinterpreted as laziness rather than the result of executive functioning challenges. Without the right tools, Gabriel hyperfocused on small tasks to the point of exhaustion while neglecting larger priorities, fueling further shame when he fell behind.
As an adult, Gabriel built a life with a supportive partner and children. Yet, the challenges of neurodivergence—especially without tools for managing it—sometimes left him feeling inadequate. Burnout became a frequent visitor, and his attempts to mask his stimming behaviors in public only added to his exhaustion.
When Shame Takes Over: Gabriel pushed himself to exhaustion, believing he had to overcompensate for his perceived shortcomings. This strain led to burnout, emotional distance in his relationships, and difficulty advocating for his needs.
When Shame is Faced: With a late diagnosis and therapy, Gabriel began to see his neurodivergence as a unique strength rather than a flaw. He learned to embrace his stimming as a natural way of self-regulating and found tools to manage procrastination with compassion rather than self-criticism. Therapy helped Gabriel understand the root of his rejection sensitivity, empowering him to separate others’ reactions from his self-worth. Today, Gabriel is an advocate for neurodivergent individuals, fostering understanding and support within his community. Shame still visits occasionally, but Gabriel meets it with kindness and a commitment to self-care.
Meet Ryan: Exploring Authentic Connection
Ryan grew up in an upper-class Caucasian family with a legacy of achievement. Surrounded by social privilege and success, Ryan excelled as a college football athlete, enjoying popularity and recognition. Yet, beneath the accolades, Ryan often felt emotionally disconnected, unsure of who he was beyond societal expectations.
As he navigated adulthood, Ryan turned to excessive drinking to numb feelings of inadequacy and pressure. He fell in love with a woman from a rich cultural heritage, drawn to the depth of her familial connections. Their marriage brought both joy and tension as cultural differences and emotional barriers surfaced. When the relationship ended in divorce, Ryan was confronted with shame and a deep desire for change.
When Shame Takes Over: Ryan masked his struggles by immersing himself in work and surface-level social engagements, creating a sense of isolation.
When Shame is Faced: Therapy became a turning point for Ryan, helping him unpack the pressures of his upbringing and explore what truly mattered to him. In his second marriage, he worked intentionally to build emotional intimacy and foster meaningful connections. While the journey wasn’t without setbacks, Ryan now approaches shame with self-compassion and openness.
Why This Matters
Shame doesn’t vanish overnight. It’s a part of being human that might show up when we least expect it. But with effort, self-compassion, and support, it becomes something we can handle. Instead of overwhelming us, it becomes a signal to slow down, reflect, and respond with kindness—to ourselves and to others.
Mei, Alex, Gabriel, and Ryan show us that healing isn’t about reaching a point where everything is perfect. It’s about learning to face life’s challenges with more patience, understanding, and connection. Their stories remind us that we’re never alone, even in our hardest moments.
At Lotus Warrior Wellness Center, we believe in creating a space where you can unpack shame and learn to meet it with compassion. Whether it’s finding your voice, embracing your identity, or simply feeling less alone, we’re here for you. Let’s take this journey together.
Reach out today to start rewriting your story.